Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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