Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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