never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
