It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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