Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
