Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
