1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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