Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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