my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
