Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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