I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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