I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
