I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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