I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
