OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
