Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
