I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
