after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
