I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
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