i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
i need some magic done to my vagina
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
