just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
