I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
