Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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