Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
