bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize