I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize