Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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