I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Your cock deserves a montage
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
