I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
