He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
