I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
