Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
