There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
