Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
