kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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