i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
