What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
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