im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize