she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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