I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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