Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
