Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
