If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
