and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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