I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
