Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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