I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
