Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
