I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
