areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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