the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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