I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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