Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
