Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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