I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
