D3 body, D1 cock
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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