I look better un-naked...
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
i believe in u and ur pee
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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