I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
