I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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