you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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