watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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