mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
