It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
