Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
