I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
