Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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