I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
