see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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