woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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