I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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