Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
